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I can really see how church would turn you off! That's something to go thru at church! Alot of people have been let down by organized religion, but God knows that already. Don't go to church until you think you are ready. God is where you are! There are online bible studies (never been to one) and others who feel the same way you do.
I'd love to have Christian friends to call sometimes and just talk to. Only another Christian can understand what we're going thru sometimes! I pray that God leads you in this. He can heal you. It may just take some time. Just know that I'M here! None of us are alone. It just feels that way sometimes. When I'm supposed to go back to church, I feel that God will let me know. Right now, I listen to Creflo and Joyce Meyer EVERY morning and try to read my bible everyday. I also have tapes and teachings that I watch and listen to. I also try to attend conferences that I can get to.
God knows your heart. Don't fret.
You've been through a painful experience. We go to the church because we feel we are called there. We expect to experience comfort, fellowship, growth. We open ourselves up because we love God. And therein lies the potential for people who are in positions of leadership to take advantage. Some of these people (I don't think it's limited to men, although men comprise the majority of those in leadership positions in the church) believe they are in positions of power; and indeed, many in the church body buy into their perceived power. Some women are even attracted to it. But it is that perceived power that sometimes drives people to take advantage of others in the church. You identified it. There are pastors who try to take financial advantage of their congregations. There are others who try to take advantage of their parishioners by guiltifying them into spending all their time at the church (sometimes at the expense of their families). And then you get those who take advantage of others sexually. It's a complete betrayal of our trust. We are betrayed by a place where we are to grow spiritually, not taken apart and broken apart. So when we are betrayed, it's difficult to look the pain in the face.
I can empathize with your feelings. A very important connection was severed. Yet, give yourself the time and the grace to find your way back. If you feel like you need the fellowship, go for that moment, knowing you're not committing to anything but to worship God. Then see where God takes you from there.
I'm going through something similar. I would like to talk to someone who is Christian but I'm not sure about organized religion. Some days, I just want to talk to someone who is about being real and a Christian. Sometimes I feel that people get all holy-roller on me, which I can't identify. Another thing is I have issues with materialism, why does it matter what you drive or wear to the church. What matters is your heart and the inner workings of that. Some times I wonder if SOME churches view of things can be somewhat skewed.
This post is so revealing and the tender parts exposed. I pray that God will send the right laborers in your direction so that you may begin to trust and feel safe again. I pray that you are called to a place of celebration of God and its members, and where unity and true love abides.
God knows your heart and will mend the broken pieces. Be open to His plan and take His hand. Remember Church is inside you, and wherever you go bring Him with you!
Hi Marvalus,
I came by because my husband speaks so highly of you. I had stopped blogging for awhile and have started back up, and as I was making my rounds found you because of him. You speak truth, you open yourself, and you are helping lots of people while being entertaining. Thank you!